Wives, be in subjection unto your own husbands, as unto the
Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of
the Church:
being Himself the Saviour of the body. But as the Church is subject to Christ, so let the wives
also be to their husbands in everything.
A certain wise man, setting down a number of things in the
rank of blessings, set down this also in the rank of a blessing, “A wife
agreeing with her husband.” Sirach 25:1 And
elsewhere again he sets it down among blessings, that a woman should dwell in
harmony with her husband. Sirach 40:23
And indeed from the beginning, God appears to have made special provision for
this union; and discoursing of the two as one, He said thus, “Male and female
created He them” Genesis 1:27;
and again, “There is neither male nor female.” Galatians
3:28 For there is no relationship between man and man so close as
that between man and wife, if they be joined together as they should be. And
therefore a certain blessed man too, when he would express surpassing love, and was mourning for
one that was dear to him, and of one soul with him, did not
mention father, nor mother, nor child, nor brother, nor friend, but what? “Your
love to me was wonderful,”
says he, “passing the love
of women.” 2 Samuel 1:26
For indeed, in very deed, this love is more despotic than
any despotism: for others indeed may be strong, but this passion is not only
strong, but unfading. For there is a certain love deeply seated in our
nature, which imperceptibly to ourselves knits together these bodies of ours.
Thus even from the very beginning woman sprang from man, and
afterwards from man and woman
sprang both man and woman.
Perceivest thou the close bond and connection? And how that God suffered not a
different kind of nature to enter in from without? And mark, how many providential arrangements
He made. He permitted the man to marry his own sister; or rather not his
sister, but his daughter; nay, nor yet his daughter, but something more than
his daughter, even his own flesh. And thus the whole He framed from one
beginning, gathering all together, like stones in a building, into one. For
neither on the one hand did He form her from without, and this was that the man
might not feel towards her as towards an alien; nor again did He confine
marriage to her, that she might not, by contracting herself, and making all
center in herself, be cut off from the rest. Thus as in the case of plants,
they are of all others the best, which have but a single stem, and spread out
into a number of branches; (since were all confined to the root alone, all
would be to no purpose, whereas again had it a number of roots, the tree would
be no longer worthy of admiration;) so, I say, is the case here also. From one,
namely Adam, He made the whole race to spring, preventing them by the strongest
necessity from being ever torn asunder, or separated; and afterwards, making it
more restricted, He no longer allowed sisters and daughters to be wives, lest
we should on the other hand contract our love to one point, and
thus in another manner be cut off from one another. Hence Christ said, “He
which made them from the beginning, made them male and female.” Matthew 19:4
For great evils are hence produced,
and great benefits, both to families
and to states. For there is nothing which so welds our life together as the love of man and wife. For
this many will lay aside even their arms, for this they will give up life
itself. And Paul
would never without a reason and without an object have spent so much pains on
this subject, as when he says here, “Wives, be in subjection unto your own
husbands, as unto the Lord.” And why so? Because when they are in harmony, the
children are well brought up, and the domestics are in good order, and
neighbors, and friends, and relations enjoy the fragrance. But if it be
otherwise, all is turned upside down, and thrown into confusion. And just as
when the generals of an army are at peace one with another, all things are in
due subordination, whereas on the other hand, if they are at variance,
everything is turned upside down; so, I say, is it also here. Wherefore, says
he, “Wives, be in subjection unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.”
Yet how strange! For how then is it, that it is said elsewhere,
“If one bid not farewell both to wife and to husband, he cannot follow me”? Luke 14:26
For if it is their duty to be in subjection “as unto the Lord,” how says He
that they must depart from them for the Lord's sake? Yet their duty indeed it
is, their bounden duty. But the word “as” is not necessarily and universally
expressive of exact equality. He either means this, “'as' knowing that you are
servants to the Lord”; (which, by the way, is what he says elsewhere, that,
even though they do it not for the husband's sake, yet must they primarily for
the Lord's sake;) or else he means, “when you obey your husband, do so as
serving the Lord.” For if he who resists these external authorities, those of
governments, I mean, “withstands the ordinance of God” Romans 13:2,
much more does she who submits not herself to her husband. Such was God's will from the beginning.
Let us take as our fundamental position then that the husband
occupies the place of the “head,” and the wife the place of the “body.”
Ver. 23, 24. Then, he proceeds with arguments and says that “the
husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the Church, being Himself the
Saviour of the body. But as the Church is subject to Christ, so let the wives
be to their husbands in everything.”
Then after saying, “The husband is the head of the wife, as
Christ also is of the Church,”
he further adds, “and He is the Saviour of the body.” For indeed the head is
the saving health of the body. He had already laid down beforehand for man and
wife, the ground and provision of their love, assigning to each
their proper place, to the one that of authority and forethought, to the other
that of submission. As then “the Church,” that is, both
husbands and wives, “is subject unto Christ, so also ye wives submit yourselves
to your husbands, as unto God.”
Ver. 25.
“Husbands, love
your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church.”
You have heard how great the submission; you have extolled
and marvelled at Paul,
how, like an admirable and spiritual man, he welds together our whole life.
Thou did well. But now hear what he also requires at your hands; for again he
employs the same example.
“Husbands,” says he, “love your wives, even as
Christ also loved the Church.”
You have seen the measure of obedience, hear also the
measure of love.
Would you have your wife obedient
unto you, as the Church
is to Christ? Take then yourself the same provident care for her, as Christ
takes for the Church.
Yea, even if it shall be needful for you to give your life for her, yea, and to
be cut into pieces ten thousand times, yea, and to endure and undergo any
suffering whatever—refuse it not. Though you should undergo all this, yet will
you not, no, not even then, have done anything like Christ. For thou indeed art
doing it for one to whom you are already knit; but He for one who turned her
back on Him and hated
Him. In the same way then as He laid at His feet her who turned her back on
Him, who hated,
and spurned, and disdained Him, not by menaces, nor by violence, nor by terror,
nor by anything else of the kind, but by his unwearied affection; so also do
thou behave yourself toward your wife. Yea, though thou see her looking down
upon you, and disdaining, and scorning you, yet by your great thoughtfulness
for her, by affection, by kindness, you will be able to lay her at your feet.
For there is nothing more powerful to sway than these bonds, and especially for
husband and wife. A servant, indeed, one will be able, perhaps, to bind down by
fear; nay not even him,
for he will soon start away and be gone. But the partner of one's life, the
mother of one's children, the foundation of one's every joy, one ought never to
chain down by fear
and menaces, but with love
and good temper. For what sort of union is that, where the wife trembles at her
husband? And what sort of pleasure will the husband himself enjoy, if he dwells
with his wife as with a slave, and not as with a free-woman? Yea, though you
should suffer anything on her account, do not upbraid her; for neither did
Christ do this.
Ver. 26.
“And gave Himself up,” he says, “for it, that He might sanctify and cleanse
it.”
So then she was unclean! So then she had blemishes, so then
she was unsightly, so then she was worthless! Whatsoever kind of wife you shall
take, yet shall you never take such a bride as the Church, when Christ took
her, nor one so far removed from you as the Church was from Christ.
And yet for all that, He did not abhor her, nor loathe her for her surpassing
deformity. Would you hear her deformity described? Hear what Paul says, “For you were
once darkness.” Ephesians 5:8
Did you see the blackness of her hue? What blacker than darkness? But look again
at her boldness, “living,” says he, “in malice and envy.” Titus 3:3 Look
again at her impurity; “disobedient, foolish.” But what am I saying? She was
both foolish, and of an evil
tongue; and yet notwithstanding, though so many were her blemishes, yet did He
give Himself up for her in her deformity, as for one in the bloom of youth, as
for one dearly beloved, as for one of wonderful beauty. And it was in
admiration of this that Paul
said, For scarcely for a righteous man will one die Romans 5:7; and
again, “in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 And
though such as this, He took her, He arrayed her in beauty, and washed her, and
refused not even this, to give Himself for her.
Ver. 26, 27. “That He might sanctify it having cleansed it,”
he proceeds, “by the washing of water with the word; that He might present the Church to Himself a glorious Church, not
having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish.”
“By the washing or laver” He washes her uncleanness. “By the
word,” says he. What word? “In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost.” Matthew 28:19
And not simply has He adorned her, but has made her “glorious, not having spot,
or wrinkle, or any such thing.” Let us then also seek after this beauty
ourselves, and we shall be able to create it. Seek not thou at your wife's
hand, things which she is not able to possess. Do you see that the Church had all things at
her Lord's hands? By Him was made glorious, by Him was made
pure, by Him made without blemish? Turn not your back on your wife because of
her deformity. Hear the Scripture
that says, “The bee is little among such as fly, but her fruit is the chief of
sweet things.” Sirach 11:3
She is of God's fashioning. Thou reproachest not her, but Him that made her;
what can the woman
do? Praise her not for her beauty. Praise and hatred and love based on personal
beauty belong to unchastened souls. Seek thou for
beauty of soul.
Imitate the Bridegroom of the Church. Outward beauty is
full of conceit and great license, and throws men into jealousy, and the thing often
makes you suspect monstrous things. But has it any pleasure? For the first or
second month, perhaps, or at most for the year: but then no longer; the
admiration by familiarity wastes away. Meanwhile the evils which arose from the
beauty still abide, the pride,
the folly, the contemptuousness. Whereas in one who is not such, there is
nothing of this kind. But the love having begun on just
grounds, still continues ardent, since its object is beauty of soul, and not of body.
What better, tell me, than heaven? What better than the stars? Tell me of what
body you will, yet is there none so fair. Tell me of what eyes you will, yet
are there none so sparkling. When these were created, the very Angels gazed with
wonder, and we gaze with wonder now; yet not in the same degree as at first.
Such is familiarity; things do not strike us in the same degree. How much more
in the case of a wife! And if moreover disease come too, all is at once fled.
Let us seek in a wife affectionateness, modest-mindedness, gentleness; these
are the characteristics of beauty. But loveliness of person let us not seek,
nor upbraid her upon these points, over which she has no power, nay, rather,
let us not upbraid at all, (it were rudeness,) nor let us be impatient, nor
sullen. Do ye not see how many, after living with beautiful wives, have ended
their lives pitiably, and how many, who have lived with those of no great
beauty, have run on to extreme old age with great enjoyment. Let us wipe off
the “spot” that is within, let us smooth the “wrinkles” that are within, let us
do away the “blemishes” that are on the soul. Such is the beauty
God requires. Let us make her fair in God's sight, not in our own. Let us not
look for wealth,
nor for that high-birth which is outward, but for that true nobility which is in
the soul.
Let no one endure to get rich by a wife; for such riches are base and
disgraceful; no, by no means let any one seek to get rich from this source. “For
they that desire to be rich, fall into a temptation and a snare,
and many foolish and hurtful lusts, and into
destruction and perdition.” 1 Timothy 6:9
Seek not therefore in your wife abundance of wealth, and you shall find
everything else go well. Who, tell me, would overlook the most important
things, to attend to those which are less so? And yet, alas! This is in every
case our feeling. Yes, if we have a son, we concern ourselves not how he may be
made virtuous,
but how we may get him a rich wife; not how he may be well-mannered, but
well-monied: if we follow a business, we enquire not how it may be clear of sin, but how it may bring
us in most profit. And everything has become money; and thus is everything
corrupted and ruined, because that passion possesses us.
Ver. 28.
“Even so ought husbands to love
their own wives,” says he, “as their own bodies.”
What, again, means this? To how much greater a similitude,
and stronger example has he come; and not only so, but also to one how much
nearer and clearer, and to a fresh obligation. For that other one was of no
very constraining force, for He was Christ, and was God, and gave Himself. He
now manages his argument on a different ground, saying, “so ought men”; because
the thing is not a favor, but a debt. Then, “as their own bodies.” And why?
Ver. 29.
“For no man ever hated
his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it.”
That is, tends it with exceeding care. And how is she his
flesh? Hearken; “This now is bone of my bones,” says Adam, “and flesh of my
flesh.” Genesis 2:23
For she is made of matter taken from us. And not only so, but also, “they shall
be,” says God,
“one flesh.” Genesis 2:24
“Even as Christ also the Church.” Here he returns
to the former example.
Ver. 30.
“Because we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.”
Ver. 31.
“For this cause
shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and the
two shall become one flesh.”
Behold again a third ground of obligation; for he shows that
a man leaving them that begot him, and from whom he was born, is knit to his
wife; and that then the one flesh is, father, and mother, and the child, from
the substance of the two commingled. For indeed by the commingling of their
seeds is the child produced, so that the three are one flesh. Thus then are we
in relation to Christ; we become one flesh by participation, and we much more
than the child. And why and how so? Because so it has been from the beginning.
Tell me not that such and such things are so. Do you see not
that we have in our own flesh itself many defects? For one man, for instance,
is lame, another has his feet distorted, another his hands withered, another
some other member weak; and yet nevertheless he does not grieve at it, nor cut
it off, but oftentimes prefers it even to the other. Naturally enough; for it
is part of himself. As great love as each entertains
towards himself, so great he would have us entertain towards a wife. Not
because we partake of the same nature; no, this ground of duty towards a wife
is far greater than that; it is that there are not two bodies but one; he the
head, she the body. And how says he elsewhere “and the Head of Christ is God”? 1 Corinthians 11:3
This I too say, that as we are one body, so also are Christ and the Father One.
And thus then is the Father also found to be our Head. He sets down two
examples, that of the natural body and that of Christ's body. And hence
he further adds,
Ver. 32.
“This is great mystery:
but I speak in regard of Christ and of the Church.”
Why does he call it a great mystery? That it was
something great and wonderful, the blessed Moses, or rather God, intimated. For the
present, however, says he, I speak regarding Christ, that having left the Father, He came down, and
came to the Bride, and became one Spirit. “For he that is joined unto the Lord
is one Spirit.” 1 Corinthians
6:17 And well says he, “it is a great mystery.” And then as
though he were saying, “But still nevertheless the allegory does not destroy
affection,” he adds,
Ver. 33.
“Nevertheless do ye also severally love each one his own wife
even as himself; and let the wife see that she fear her husband.”
For indeed, in very deed, a mystery it is, yea, a
great mystery,
that a man should leave him that gave him being, him that begot him, and that
brought him up, and her that travailed with him and had sorrow, those that have
bestowed upon him so many and great benefits, those with whom he has been in
familiar intercourse, and be joined to one who was never even seen by him and
who has nothing in common with him, and should honor her before all
others. A mystery
it is indeed. And yet are parents
not distressed when these events take place, but rather, when they do not take
place; and are delighted when their wealth is spent and
lavished upon it.— A great mystery
indeed! And one that contains some hidden wisdom. Such Moses prophetically showed it to
be from the very first; such now also Paul proclaims it, where
he says, “concerning Christ and the Church.”
However not for the husband's sake alone it is thus said,
but for the wife's sake also, that “he cherish her as his own flesh, as Christ
also the Church,”
and, “that the wife fear
her husband.” He is no longer setting down the duties of love only, but what? “That
she fear
her husband.” The wife is a second authority; let not her then demand equality,
for she is under the head; nor let him despise her as being in subjection, for
she is the body; and if the head despise the body, it will itself also perish.
But let him bring in love
on his part as a counterpoise to obedience on her part. For
example, let the hands and the feet, and all the rest of the members be given
up for service to the head, but let the head provide for the body, seeing it
contains every sense in itself. Nothing can be better than this union.
And yet how can there ever be love, one may say, where
there is fear?
It will exist there, I say, preëminently. For she that fears and reverences,
loves also; and she that loves, fears and reverences him as being the head, and
loves him as being a member, since the head itself is a member of the body at
large. Hence he places the one in subjection, and the other in authority, that
there may be peace; for where there is equal authority there can never be
peace; neither where a house is a democracy, nor where all are rulers; but the
ruling power must of necessity be one. And this is universally the case with
matters referring to the body, inasmuch as when men are spiritual, there will
be peace. There were “five thousand souls,” and not one of
them said, “that anything of the things which he possessed was his own” Acts 4:32,
but they were subject one to another; an indication this of wisdom, and of the fear of God. The principle of love, however, he
explains; that of fear
he does not. And mark, how on that of love he enlarges, stating
the arguments relating to Christ and those relating to one's own flesh, the
words, “For this cause
shall a man leave his father and mother.” Ephesians
5:31 Whereas upon those drawn from fear he forbears to
enlarge. And why so? Because he would rather that this principle prevail, this,
namely, of love;
for where this exists, everything else follows of course, but where the other
exists, not necessarily. For the man who loves his wife, even though she be not
a very obedient
one, still will bear with everything. So difficult and impracticable is
unanimity, where persons
are not bound together by that love which is founded in
supreme authority; at all events, fear will not necessarily
effect this. Accordingly, he dwells the more upon this, which is the strong
tie. And the wife though seeming to be the loser in that she was charged to fear, is the gainer,
because the principal duty, love,
is charged upon the husband. “But what,” one may say, “if a wife reverence me
not?” Never mind,
you are to love,
fulfill your own duty. For though that which is due from others may not follow,
we ought of course to do our duty. This is an example of what I mean. He says, “submitting
yourselves one to another in the fear of Christ.” And what then if
another submit not himself? Still obey thou the law of God. Just so, I say, is it
also here. Let the wife at least, though she be not loved, still reverence
notwithstanding, that nothing may lie at her door; and let the husband, though
his wife reverence him not, still show her love notwithstanding, that
he himself be not wanting in any point. For each has received his own.
This then is marriage when it takes place according to Christ, spiritual
marriage, and spiritual birth, not of blood, nor of travail, nor of the will of the flesh. Such
was the birth of Christ,
not of blood, nor of travail. Such also was that of Isaac. Hear how the Scripture says, “And it
ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.” Genesis 18:11
Yea, a marriage it is, not of passion, nor of the flesh, but wholly spiritual,
the soul
being united to God by a union unspeakable, and which He alone knows. Therefore he says, “He
that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.” 1 Corinthians
6:17 Mark how earnestly he endeavors to unite both flesh with flesh,
and spirit with spirit. And where are the heretics? Never surely, if
marriage were a thing to be condemned, would he have called Christ and the Church a bride and
bridegroom; never would he have brought forward by way of exhortation the
words, “A man shall leave his father and his mother”; and again have added,
that it was “spoken in regard of Christ and of the Church.” For of her it is
that the Psalmist also says, “Hearken, O daughter, and consider, and incline
your ear; forget also your own people, and your father's house. So shall the
king desire your beauty.” Psalm
45:10-11 Therefore also Christ says, “I came out from the Father, and have come.” John 16:28
But when I say, that He left the Father, imagine not such a thing
as happens among men,
a change of place; for just in the same way as the word “go forth” is used, not
because He literally came forth, but because of His incarnation, so also is
the expression, “He left the Father.”
Now why did he not say of the wife also, She shall be joined
unto her husband? Why, I say, is this? Because he was discoursing concerning love, and was discoursing
to the husband. For to her indeed he discourses concerning reverence, and says,
“the husband is the head of the wife” Ephesians
5:23, and again, “Christ is the Head of the Church.” Whereas to him he
discourses concerning love,
and commits to him this province of love, and declares to him
that which pertains to love,
thus binding him and cementing him to her. For the man that leaves his father
for the sake of his wife, and then again, leaves this very wife herself and
abandons her, what forbearance can he deserve?
Do you see not how great a share of honor God would have her
enjoy, in that he has taken you away from your father, and has linked you to
her? What then, a man may say, if our duty is done, and yet she does not follow
the example? “Yet if the unbelieving departs, let him depart; the brother or
the sister is not under bondage in such cases.” 1 Corinthians
7:15
However, when you hear of “fear,” demand that fear which becomes a free woman, not as though thou
were exacting it of a slave. For she is your own body; and if you do this, you
reproach yourself in dishonoring your own body. And of what nature is this “fear”? It is the not
contradicting, the not rebelling, the not being fond of the preëminence. It is
enough that fear
be kept within these bounds. But if you love, as you are
commanded, you will make it yet greater. Or rather it will not be any longer by
fear that you will be
doing this, but love
itself will have its effect. The sex is somehow weaker, and needs much support,
much condescension.
But what will they say, who are knit together in second
marriages? I speak not at all in condemnation of them, God forbid; for the
Apostle himself permits them, though indeed by way of condescension.
Supply her with everything. Do everything and endure trouble
for her sake. Necessity is laid upon you.
Here he does not think it right to introduce his counsel, as
he in many cases does, with examples from them that are without. That of Christ, so great and
forcible, were alone enough; and more especially as regards the argument of
subjection. “A man shall leave,” he says, “his father and mother.” Behold, this
then is from without. But he does not say, and “shall dwell with,” but “shall
cleave unto,” thus showing the closeness of the union, and the fervent love. Nay, he is not
content with this, but further by what he adds, he explains the subjection in
such a way as that the two appear no longer two. He does not say, “one spirit,”
he does not say, “one soul”
(for that is manifest, and is possible to any one), but so as to be “one
flesh.” She is a second authority, possessing indeed an authority, and a
considerable equality of dignity; but at the same time the husband has somewhat
of superiority. In this consists most chiefly the well-being of the house. For
he took that former argument, the example of Christ, to show that we
ought not only to love,
but also to govern; “that she may be,” says he, “holy and without blemish.”
But the word “flesh” has reference to love— and the word “shall
cleave” has in like manner reference to love. For if you shall
make her “holy
and without blemish,” everything else will follow. Seek the things which are of
God, and those which are
of man will follow readily enough. Govern your wife, and thus will the whole
house be in harmony. Hear what Paul says. “And if they
would learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home.” 1 Corinthians
14:35 If we thus regulate our own houses, we shall be also fit for
the management of the Church.
For indeed a house is a little Church. Thus it is possible for us by becoming
good husbands and wives, to surpass all others.
Consider Abraham,
and Sarah, and Isaac, and the three hundred and eighteen born in his house. Genesis 14:14
How the whole house was harmoniously knit together, how the whole was full of piety and fulfilled the
Apostolic injunction. She also “reverenced her husband”; for hear her own
words, “It has not yet happened unto me even until now, and my lord is old
also.” Genesis 18:12
And he again so loved her, that in all things he obeyed her commands. And
the young child was virtuous,
and the servants born in the house, they too were so excellent that they
refused not even to hazard their lives with their master; they delayed not, nor
asked the reason. Nay, one of them, the chief, was so admirable, that he was
even entrusted with the marriage of the only-begotten child, and with a journey
into a foreign country. Genesis 24:1-67
For just as with a general, when his soldiery also is well organized, the enemy
has no quarter to attack; so, I say, is it also here: when husband and wife and
children and servants are all interested in the same things, great is the
harmony of the house. Since where this is not the case, the whole is oftentimes
overthrown and broken up by one bad servant; and that single one will often mar
and utterly destroy the whole.
Moral. Let us then be very thoughtful both for our wives,
and children, and servants; knowing
that we shall thus be establishing for ourselves an easy government, and shall
have our accounts with them gentle and lenient, and say, “Behold I, and the
children which God
has given me.” Isaiah 8:18
If the husband command respect, and the head be honorable, then will the
rest of the body sustain no violence.
Now what is the wife's fitting behavior, and what the husband's, he states
accurately, charging her to reverence him as the head, and him to love her as a wife; but
how, it may be said, can these things be? That they ought indeed so to be, he
has proved.
But how they can be so, I will tell you. They will be so, if we will despise
money, if we will look but to one thing only, excellence of soul, if we will keep the fear of God before our
eyes. For what he says in his discourse to servants, “whatsoever any man does,
whether it be good or evil,
the same shall he receive of the Lord” Ephesians 6:8;
this is also the case here. Love her therefore not for her sake so much as for Christ's sake.
This, at
least, he as much as intimates, in saying, “as unto the Lord.” So then do
everything, as in obedience
to the Lord, and as doing everything for His sake. This were enough to induce
and to persuade us, and not to suffer that there should be any teasing and
dissension. Let none be believed
when slandering
the husband to his wife; no, nor let the husband believe anything at random
against the wife, nor let the wife be without reason inquisitive about his
goings out and his comings in. No, nor on any account let the husband ever
render himself worthy of any suspicion whatever. For what, tell me, what if you
shall devote yourself all the day to your friends, and give the evening to your
wife, and not even thus be able to content her, and place her out of reach of
suspicion? Though your wife complain, yet be not annoyed— it is her love, not her folly— they
are the complaints of fervent attachment, and burning affection, and fear. Yes, she is afraid
lest any one have stolen her marriage bed, lest any one have injured her in
that which is the summit of her blessings, lest any one have taken away from
her him who is her head, lest any one have broken through her marriage chamber.
There is also another ground of petty jealousy. Let neither
claim too much service of the servants, neither the husband from the
maid-servant, nor the wife from the man-servant. For these things also are
enough to beget suspicion. For consider, I say, that righteous household I
spoke of. Sarah herself bade the patriarch take Hagar. She herself directed it,
no one compelled her, nor did the husband attempt it; no, although he had
dragged on so long a period childless, yet he chose never to become a father,
rather than to grieve his wife. And yet even after all this, what said Sarah? “The
Lord judge between me and you.” Genesis 16:5
Now, I say, had he been any one else would he not have been moved to anger? Would he not also
have stretched forth his hand, saying as it were, “What do you mean? I had no
desire to have anything to do with the woman; it was all your own
doing; and do you turn again and accuse me?”— But no, he says nothing of the
sort—but what? “Behold, your maid is in your hand; do to her that which is good in your eyes.” Genesis 16:6 He
delivered up the partner of his bed, that he might not grieve Sarah. And yet
surely is there nothing greater than this for producing affection. For if
partaking of the same table produces unanimity even in robbers towards their
foes, (and the Psalmist says, “Who ate sweet food at the same table with me”);
much more will the becoming one flesh— for such is the being the partner of the
bed— be effectual to draw us together. Yet did none of these things avail to
overcome him; but he delivered Hagar up to his wife, to show that nothing had
been done by his own fault. Nay, and what is more, he sent her forth when with
child. Who would not have pitied one that had conceived a child by himself? Yet
was the just man unmoved, for he set before everything else the love he owed his wife.
Let us then imitate him ourselves. Let no one reproach his
neighbor with his poverty; let no one be in love with money; and then
all difficulties will be at an end.
Neither let a wife say to her husband, “Unmanly coward that
you are, full of sluggishness and dullness, and fast asleep! Here is such a
one, a low man, and of low parentage, who runs his risks, and makes his
voyages, and has made a good fortune; and his wife wears her jewels, and goes
out with her pair of milk-white mules; she rides about everywhere, she has
troops of slaves, and a swarm of eunuchs, but you have cowered down and livest
to no purpose.” Let not a wife say these things, nor anything like them. For
she is the body, not to dictate to the head, but to submit herself and obey. “But how,” some one
will say, “is she to endure poverty? Where is she to look for consolation?” Let
her select and put beside her those who are poorer still. Let her again
consider how many noble and high-born maidens have not only received nothing of
their husbands, but have even given dowries to them, and have spent their all
upon them. Let her reflect on the perils which arise from such riches, and she
will cling to this quiet life. In short, if she is affectionately disposed
towards her husband, she will utter nothing of the sort. No, she will rather
choose to have him near her, though gaining nothing, than gaining ten thousand
talents of gold, accompanied with that care and anxiety which always arise to
wives from those distant voyages.
Neither, however, let the husband, when he hears these
things, on the score of his having the supreme authority, betake himself to
revilings and to blows; but let him exhort, let him admonish her, as being less
perfect, let him persuade her with arguments. Let him never once lift his
hand—far be this from a noble spirit,— no, nor give expression to insults, or
taunts, or revilings; but let him regulate and direct her as being wanting in
wisdom. Yet how shall this be done? If she be instructed in the true riches, in the
heavenly philosophy,
she will make no complaints like these. Let him teach her then, that poverty is
no evil. Let him
teach her, not by what he says only, but also by what he does. Let him teach
her to despise glory;
and then his wife will speak of nothing, and will desire nothing of the kind.
Let him, as if he had an image given into his hands to mould, let him, from
that very evening on which he first receives her into the bridal chamber, teach
her temperance,
gentleness, and how to live, casting down the love of money at once from
the outset, and from the very threshold. Let him discipline her in wisdom, and
advise her never to have bits of gold hanging at her ears, and down her cheeks,
and laid round about her neck, nor laid up about the chamber, nor golden and
costly garments stored up. But let her chamber be handsome, still let not what
is handsome degenerate into finery. No, leave these things to the people of the
stage. Adorn your house yourself with all possible neatness, so as rather to
breathe an air of soberness than much perfume. For hence will arise two or
three good results. First then, the bride will not be grieved, when the
apartments are opened, and the tissues, and the golden ornaments, and silver vessels,
are sent back to their several owners. Next, the bridegroom will have no
anxiety about the loss, nor for the security of the accumulated treasures.
Thirdly again, in addition to this, which is the crown of all these benefits,
by these very points he will be showing his own judgment, that indeed he has no
pleasure in any of these things, and that he will moreover put an end to
everything else in keeping with them, and will never so much as allow the existence either of
dances, or of immodest songs. I am aware that I shall appear perhaps ridiculous
to many persons,
in giving such admonitions. Still nevertheless, if you will but listen to me,
as time goes on, and the benefit of the practice accrues to you, then you will
understand the advantage of it. And the laughter will pass off, and you will
laugh at the present fashion, and will see that the present practice is really that
of silly children and of drunken men. Whereas what I recommend is the part of
soberness, and wisdom, and of the sublimest way of life. What then do I say is
our duty? Take away from marriage all those shameful, those Satanic, those
immodest songs, those companies of profligate young people, and this will avail
to chasten the spirit of your bride. For she will at once thus reason with
herself; “Wonderful! What a philosopher
this man is! He regards the present life as nothing, he has brought me here
into his house, to be a mother, to bring up his children, to manage his
household affairs.” “Yes, but these things are distasteful to a bride?” Just
for the first or second day—but not afterwards; nay, she will even reap from
them the greatest delight, and relieve herself of all suspicion. For a man who
can endure neither flute-players, nor dancers, nor broken songs, and that too
at the very time of his wedding, that man will scarcely endure ever to do or
say anything shameful. And then after this, when you have stripped the marriage
of all these things, then take her, and form and mould her carefully,
encouraging her bashfulness to a considerable length of time, and not
destroying it suddenly. For even if the damsel be very bold, yet for a time she
will keep silence out of reverence for her husband, and feeling herself a
novice in the circumstances. Thou then break not off this reserve too hastily,
as unchaste husbands do, but encourage it for a long time. For this will be a
great advantage to you. Meanwhile she will not complain, she will not find
fault with any laws
you may frame for her. During that time therefore, during which shame, like a
sort of bridle laid upon the soul, suffers her not to
make any murmur, nor to complain of what is done, lay down all your laws. For as soon as ever
she acquires boldness, she will overturn and confound everything without any
sense of fear.
When is there then another time so advantageous for moulding a wife, as that
during which she reverences her husband, and is still timid, and still shy?
Then lay down all your laws
for her, and willing or unwilling, she will certainly obey them. But how shall
you help spoiling her modesty? By showing her that you yourself art no less
modest than she is, addressing to her but few words, and those too with great
gravity and collectedness. Then entrust her with the discourses of wisdom, for
her soul
will receive them. And establish her in that loveliest habit, I mean modesty.
If you wish me, I will also tell you by way of specimen, what sort of language
should be addressed to her. For if Paul shrank not from
saying, “Defraud ye not one the other” 2 Corinthians 7:5,
and spoke the language of a bridesmaid, or rather not of a bridesmaid, but of a
spiritual soul,
much more will not we shrink from speaking. What then is the language we ought
to address to her? With great delicacy then we may say to her, “I have taken
you, my child, to be partner of my life, and have brought you in to share with
me in the closest and most honorable
ties, in my children, and the superintendence of my house. And what advice then
shall I now recommend you?” But rather, first talk with her of your love for her; for there is
nothing that so contributes to persuade a hearer to admit sincerely the things
that are said, as to be assured that they are said with hearty affection. How
then are you to show that affection? By saying, “when it was in my power to
take many to wife, both with better fortunes, and of noble family, I did not so
choose, but I was enamoured of you, and your beautiful life, your modesty, your
gentleness, and soberness of mind.” Then immediately from these beginnings open
the way to your discourse on true wisdom, and with some
circumlocution make a protest against riches. For if you direct your argument
at once against riches, you will bear too heavily upon her; but if you do it by
taking an occasion, you will succeed entirely. For you will appear to be doing
it in the way of an apology, not as a morose sort of person, and ungracious,
and over-nice about trifles. But when you take occasion from what relates to
herself, she will be even pleased. You will say then, (for I must now take up
the discourse again,) that “whereas I might have married a rich woman, and with good
fortune, I could not endure it. And why so? Not capriciously, and without
reason; but I was taught well and truly, that money is no
real possession, but a most despicable thing, a thing which moreover belongs as
well to thieves, and to harlots, and to grave-robbers. So I gave up
these things, and went on till I fell in with the excellence of your soul, which I value above
all gold. For a young damsel who is discreet and ingenuous, and whose heart is
set on piety,
is worth the whole world. For these reasons then, I courted you, and I love you, and prefer you
to my own soul.
For the present life is nothing. And I pray, and beseech, and do
all I can, that we may be counted worthy so to live this present life, as that
we may be able also there in the world to come to be united to one another in
perfect security. For our time here is brief and fleeting. But if we shall be
counted worthy by having pleased God to so exchange this life for that one,
then shall we ever be both with Christ and with each other, with more abundant
pleasure. I value your affection above all things, and nothing is so bitter or
so painful to me, as ever to be at variance with you. Yes, though it should be
my lot to lose my all, and to become poorer than Irus, and undergo the
extremest hazards, and suffer any pain whatsoever, all will be tolerable and
endurable, so long as your feelings are true towards me. And then
will my children be most dear to me, while you are affectionately disposed
towards me. But you must do these duties too.” Then mingle also with your
discourse the Apostle's words, that “thus God would have our affections blended
together; for listen to the Scripture,
which says, 'For this cause
shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife.' Let us have
no pretext for narrow-minded jealousy. Perish riches, and retinue of slaves,
and all your outward pomps. To me this is more valuable than all.” What weight
of gold, what amount of treasures, are so dear to a wife as these words? Never fear that because she is
beloved she will ever rave against you, but confess that you love her. For courtezans
indeed, who now attach themselves to one and now to another, would naturally
enough feel contempt towards their lovers, should they hear such expressions as
these; but a free-born wife or a noble damsel would never be so affected with
such words; no, she will be so much the more subdued. Show her too, that you
set a high value on her company, and that you are more desirous to be at home
for her sake, than in the market-place. And esteem her before all your friends,
and above the children that are born of her, and let these very children be
beloved by you for her sake. If she does any good act, praise and admire it; if
any foolish one, and such as girls may chance to do, advise her and remind her.
Condemn out and out all riches and extravagance, and gently point out the
ornament that there is in neatness and in modesty; and be continually teaching
her the things that are profitable.
Let your prayers
be common. Let each go to Church; and let the husband ask his wife at home, and
she again ask her husband, the account of the things which were said and read
there. If any poverty should overtake you, cite the case of those holy men, Paul and Peter, who were
more honored
than any kings or rich men; and yet how they spent their lives, in hunger and
in thirst. Teach her that there is nothing in life that is to be feared, save
only offending against God. If any marry thus, with these views, he will be but
little inferior to monks;
the married but little below the unmarried.
If you have a mind to give dinners, and
to make entertainments, let there be nothing immodest, nothing disorderly. If
you should find any poor saint able to bless your house, able only just by
setting his foot in it to bring in the whole blessing of God, invite him. And shall
I say moreover another thing? Let no one of you make it his endeavor to marry a
rich woman,
but much rather a poor one. When she comes in, she will not bring so great a
source of pleasure from her riches, as she will annoyance from her taunts, from
her demanding more than she brought, from her insolence, her extravagance, her
vexatious language. For she will say perhaps, “I have not yet spent anything of
yours, I am still wearing my own apparel, bought with what my parents settled upon me.”
What do you say, O woman?
Still wearing your own! And what can be more miserable than this language? Why,
you have no longer a body of your own, and have you money of your own? After
marriage you are no longer two, but have become one flesh, and are then your
possessions two, and not one? Oh! This love of money! You both
have become one man, one living creature; and do you still say “my own”? Cursed
and abominable word that it is, it was brought in by the devil. Things far nearer
and dearer to us than these has God made all common to us, and are these then
not common? We cannot say, “my own light, my own sun, my own water”: all our
greater blessings are common, and are riches not common? Perish the riches ten
thousand times over! Or rather not the riches, but those tempers of mind which know not how to make use
of riches, but esteem them above all things.
Teach her these lessons also with the rest, but with much graciousness. For since the recommendation of virtue has in itself much that is stern, and especially to a young and tender damsel, whenever discourses on true wisdom are to be made, contrive that your manner be full of grace and kindness. And above all banish this notion from her soul, of “mine and yours.” If she say the word “mine,” say unto her, “What things do you call yours? For in truth I know not; I for my part have nothing of my own. How then do you speak of 'mine,' when all things are yours?” Freely grant her the word. Do you not perceive that such is our practice with children? When, while we are holding anything, a child snatches it, and wishes again to get hold of some other thing, we allow it, and say, “Yes, and this is yours, and that is yours.” The same also let us do with a wife; for her temper is more or less like a child's; and if she says “mine,” say, “why, everything is yours, and I am yours.” Nor is the expression one of flattery, but of exceeding wisdom. Thus will you be able to abate her wrath, and put an end to her disappointment. For it is flattery when a man does an unworthy act with an evil object: whereas this is the highest philosophy. Say then, “Even I am yours, my child; this advice Paul gives me where he says, 'The husband has not power over his own body, but the wife.' 1 Corinthians 7:4 If I have no power over my body, but you have, much more have you over my possessions.” By saying these things you will have quieted her, you will have quenched the fire, you will have shamed the devil, you will have made her more your slave than one bought with money, with this language you will have bound her fast. Thus then, by your own language, teach her never to speak of “mine and yours.” And again, never call her simply by her name, but with terms of endearment, with honor, with much love. Honor her, and she will not need honor from others; she will not want the glory that comes from others, if she enjoys that which comes from you. Prefer her before all, on every account, both for her beauty and her discernment, and praise her. You will thus persuade her to give heed to none that are without, but to scorn all the world except yourself.
Teach her the fear of God, and all good things will flow from this as from a fountain, and the house will be full of ten thousand blessings. If we seek the things that are incorruptible, these corruptible things will follow. “For,” says He, “seek first His kingdom, and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33 What sort of persons, think you, must the children of such parents be? What the servants of such masters? What all others who come near them? Will not they too eventually be loaded with blessings out of number? For generally the servants also have their characters formed after their master's, and are fashioned after their humors, love the same objects, which they have been taught to love, speak the same language, and engage with them in the same pursuits. If thus we regulate ourselves, and attentively study the Scriptures, in most things we shall derive instruction from them. And thus shall be able to please God, and to pass through the whole of the present life virtuously, and to attain those blessings which are promised to those that love Him, of which God grant that we may all be counted worthy, through the grace and lovingkindness of our Lord Jesus Christ, with Whom, together with the Holy Ghost, be unto the Father, glory, power, and honor, now, and ever, through all ages. Amen.
Catholic Monk, Priest, Archbishop, Saint, and Doctor of the Church
Homily XX on Ephesians 5:22-24, given during the 4th century
