The front lines

Gentle reader,

I know it's been a while, and I apologize.  Life has been absolutely NUTS.  One of my friends recently wrote me a note containing questions. You all know how I LOVE getting questions. If you are/were a regular reader of this blog, I want to invite you to start submitting questions to me.  Because then I have an excuse to write!!  

Here's what she wrote:

What are some things you would advise us single women to help us be better and stronger for our future vocation for whenever that does come? What are some things you learned in marriage that you wish you knew earlier or what are some things that you wish all single women would better understand about married life? What advice would you give to dating and engaged couples preparing for marriage? 

I wrote this reply not only to her, but to all the single ladies who don't want Beyonce for a role model. So, if you are a beautiful daughter of God (regardless of whether or not you are married), then this post is for you.



My dear and beautiful sister,

It’s barely 6 months now that I’ve been married… and I’m still coming to terms with being called “Mrs. Finke”… because it floods my imagination with visions of a fat, frumpy, grey-haired old lady.  Blarg!

I know that you have a ton of questions regarding the vocation of marriage, so I’ll try to take a stab at it for you. 

One thing that I ADAMANTLY oppose for SERIOUS/PIOUS/KNOWLEDGEABLE Catholic engaged couples is the Engaged Encounter program. It is complete and utter BULLPUCKY. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. If you’re engaged, and your marriage prep priest recommends it, say you’ve found another option instead. Start researching now and ask other couples you know where they went and what they did. Find things with “JP2” or “Caana” or “TOB” in them. Research one, or better yet, sign up to volunteer at one first so you can totally spy on it.

Also, don’t fall for “day-long” engaged retreats.  That’s crap.  We both know that overnight/weekend retreats rule!  Good options are out there, they just take work to find.  You will want a program that helps FORM and AFFIRM your faith and relationship, not one that justifies hippie, remedial Catechesis and feel-good theology with Chreasters who had little to no formation and completely disregard our Faith.  BLARG!

Ok.  You asked a few questions, and my mind tends to wander, so I’ll try to do it linearly.  Hah.  I don’t want to go too deep in each area, either.  I’m not an expert, but I am on the front lines… and if you are in a Good, True, and Beautiful Catholic relationship, you will feel like you are always on the front lines.

→BECAUSE, YOU ARE.← 

I cannot begin to explain the amount of spiritual attack that we faced during our courtship.  It then DOUBLED during our engagement, and now, as a married couple, we face it daily.  Satan hates purity and love.  He hates the Trinity (which is what pure/marital love symbolizes/shows).  He hates the family.  He hates women.  He hates men.  He hates everything, the old egg-sucker.  He will stop at nothing to OBLITERATE the relationship you have.  Out of the past 180 days we’ve been married, I strain to think of more than 5 consecutive days that were “perfect”- without hurt, argument, miscommunication, injury, sickness, misunderstanding, tears, loneliness, questioning, or exhaustion. 

I don’t say this to scare you.  I guess I say that to test your resolve.  Are you ready for 90% of your time to be desolation whilst the other 10% is joyful consolation?  Is your spouse worth it?  Will you choose to love him?  Anyways.  Tracey, the homeless guy from Basecamp, gave me 1 of the 3 best pieces of marital advice that I keep close: “The first 2 years of marriage are the hardest.”  Expect it to be difficult.  It won’t make it easier, but it will help you to discern the spiritual attack better.  The better you can see it, the quicker you can call Satan out for the LIAR he is.  We’ve found this immensely helpful in our relationship: Satan is there.  He’s not going to leave us alone.  But the grace of the sacrament, prayer, and communication really help.  Satan never left Jesus alone for an extended time, either (Luke4:13). 

It’s also very helpful to know your cycle and make sure your fella knows it, too, because anticipation is the key.  Thomas notices behavior patterns in me that I’m completely oblivious to.  He checks my chart and reminds me in a loving way that my anxiety may be hormonal. 

The other piece of advice came at a very fragile time in our relationship before we were engaged when Thomas shared some of his brokenness with me.  I was honored and happy that he trusted me enough to be vulnerable, and I remained supportive and strong until I got back home.  I called Fr. Quinn and just sobbed to him.  In true Fr. fashion, he asked, “what does it mean that he shared this with you?”  That cleared my head enough.  I called Mother, and she said, “love him through it all.”   Love him through it all, and let him love you through it all.  One of the lies that Thomas and I are prone to believing is that we’re not worthy of love, and so we often shut one another out and refuse to beloved.  We’re getting better, but it’s hard because we’ve been so hurt.

Going off that… you are going to uncover wounds about yourself and your spouse that you didn’t even know were there.  Be patient with one another.  My beautiful sister, let yourself be healed.  Be healed of most of your wounds before you even worry about a serious relationship, because more brokenness will come up after you're married.  God is using Thomas to help heal me in ways I never imagined.  I just have to let him.  Your awesome spouse will do the same for you and you for him.  BE NOT AFRAID!

The 3^rd piece of marital advice came from Sr. Angela.  Those nuns got really crazy with me right before the wedding.  They gave advice to me like free samples at Sam’s… from how to rest, to where to keep the newborn, to housework.  Everything.  It was nuts. I don’t know what exactly we were talking about, but Sister Angela blurted. 

“Kill yourself for your husband.”

And I know that look from Sister when she’s dead serious.  And she pointed her finger at me and gave a strong, quick nod of her head.

“Kill yourself for your husband.”

There are so many things that I wish could come over into our culture from Ghana.  I knew what she meant.  It didn’t mean killing myself with housework or babies or whatever.  Instead, I need to die to myself, my pride, so I can help my husband be who God created him to be.

WHOA.  DEEP STUFF THERE.

That’s not the type of thing you’ll hear at an engaged encounter.  Hah. 

Whew!   So to help “Kill yourself for your husband,” start doing mortifications now.  Give things up.  Deny what you want.  Go on the Little Way.  Out driving to the mall and you really want Starbucks?  No.  Want soda with dinner?  No.  Want to sleep more?  Yes.  Sleep is good.  Go to the shrine, and when you feel like you want to leave, stay 30-60 minutes more and pray for him.  There are lots of things you will have to get rid of or change.  Start denying yourself so you are used to the feeling of being denied.  Deny your pride. 

-Be willing to give it all up.  Be willing to move 500 miles away (God forbid) from your family, friends, culture, and emotional security.  Because you love him and you know he’s going to make you a saint.  Give it all up. 

-You’re never going to be “ready” or “fully prepared,” so BE WILLING instead.  Be willing to become a saint.  It’s hard.  Be willing to do the work God asks.  When you are ready to receive as gift instead of take as prize, you're ready.  

Ok, so I think that takes care of a few questions.  I’d like to touch again on spiritual attack and ways it manifested during our courtship.

With the exception of some of our closest friends and a few other couples who had done things the same way, NO ONE “GOT IT.”  No one understood what we were doing by courting and discerning.  We were constantly questioned, teased, and mocked, and half the time it was by family members and pious Catholics!  It was exasperating!  Youth ministers didn’t even know what we were doing.  If you have a special way you want to develop a vocational relationship, DO IT!  Talk to him about it so you’re on the same page, use the same vocabulary, and are able to similarly explain (read: evangelize) to people who don’t get it.  Stick to the Truth of what well-ordered love and affection should be, because people rarely see it.  And, whether or not they admit it, they’re starving for it.  OR, they’re hurt by what you’re doing because they wish they did it that way and went the way of the world.  It was so discouraging to be mocked and questioned by family and other Catholics, but reassuring one another and being reassured by close friends was a helpful weapon against the spiritual onslaught.

OK OK, sheesh. Enough about marital life. What can you do right now to prepare for your vocation? I can really only tell you what I did, and it most likely won’t be the same for you, but here are some ideas (please read these out of love. I’m not saying that you’re not doing these things already… and I want to affirm you if you are).

-Become fully who you are right now-  I hated to hear this, especially when I was single.  Enjoy the fact that you can do whatever you want, don’t have to check in when spending money, don’t have to plan holidays around four families, don’t have to change your eating habits, etc.  Do not bemoan your single status.  Ignore the nagging thoughts of biological clocks and wasted, dying eggs & ovaries.  It’s poppycock!  Don’t ache for someone to hold you; it’ll come, and it’ll blow all of this out of the water.  Yes, I have someone who cuddles me, but I also have someone who burps, farts, stinks up the bathroom (and doesn’t spray air freshener!), looks at his hankie after blowing his nose in it, and MOVES AROUND SO MUCH AT NIGHT THAT IT WAKES ME FROM A DEAD SLEEP!  Blarg!  God love him  =D 

But, the hell with all that.  WHAT is your gift?  Be joyful about the gifts that God gives Single You that He can’t give to Married You… like the option to drop everything and go visit your family whenever you like.  Keep striving for holiness and sainthood.  Surround yourself with others who are overjoyed to be single.  Don’t let Satan steal the seed from the path in your heart.  Don’t let him plant one, either, through the fears and sadness of others. 

This does not mean that you won’t suffer.  Lest we forget, “Everybody got 2 suffer,” just like Fr. Stan says.  Turn your suffering into an offering for your vocation and spouse.  MORE GRACES FOR YOUR FACES later when the spit hits the fan.  When you become fully who you are in Christ and you are confident that your identity is a beloved DAUGHTER OF GOD and not a future wife and mother, you will shine with a joy that is wildly captivating, and you’ll be ready…. And in he’ll walk.

-Pray for him to be ready- The reason that it took so long for me to meet my vocation is because he wasn’t ready.  Well, neither was I, but I digress.  If God had given me Thomas when I started begging for him, we would have met when he was 13 and I was 22.

SICK!

The reasons God has for doing what He does are mysterious.  If you try to figure them out now, you’ll go nuts and end up listening to lies.  So don’t.  Just constantly pray for your spouse (and his family), not for a spouse.  Be confident in God’s timing. 

*-Frustrating but perfect-*  Out of all the things singles hate to hear, “God’s timing” or “God has a plan for you” just about top the list.  And, man, after I got engaged and married, there were a few single friends who turned hostile and refused to listen to me (no matter how approachable I was), and then there are a few like you who have open ears and hearts.  Yes, God’s timing is perfect, but it’s frustrating.  It’s frustrating because I want what I want when I want it; it’s not my timing.  If His timing frustrates you, you need to come up with a positive way to deal with it.  I journaled and wrote letters to Thomas… the good and the ugly and desperate.  I watched Romance without Regret.  I read TOB and Christopher West.  I prayed novenas.  But, as soon as I turned my attitude of entitlement (pray for a spouse) to one of gratitude (pray for my spouse), things really began to change.  I was able to let that control go.  Because I dropped the defense and played offense (receive instead of grab), I was able to trust more.  When I trusted more, I was able to discern better and smell a rat better… and when Thomas came along… there was NEVER.  ANY.  QUESTION.  There’s a lot of merit and integrity to discerning (sifting).  Once you let go of all this control and grab nonsense, inner peace washes over you and joy can envelop your heart.  Peace is key.  If you don’t have peace, it’s not of the Lord.  When you have let go of all of the control and crap the world tells you, there’s overwhelming freedom to keep being the best woman that God created you to be: someone who lives the Gospel to the fullest with a life of joy, sacrifice, and love so it brings others to Him.  And that’s our mission- all of us.  Married. Single.  Religious.  We all have the great commissioning.

-Be Mission Focused-  For most busy-bodied married women, their “mission” is to find husbands for “poor, unmarried girls.”  What stupid, uninvited cruelty.  For most single gals, their “mission” is to find a husband.  What utter nonsense.  The unfortunate thing I noticed about these women (even when I was single) was that you could read it in everything they did: how they dressed, acted, spoke, the activities they did, gatherings they attended, even the looks on their faces!  And it reeked of desperation and insecurity.  I’m sure there are times when you’re desperate and insecure, and those are the times you need to fight the hardest against the lies and attacks on your self-worth!  Tell Satan to go to Hell!  Hail Mary, full of grace, kick the devil in the face!  You are beautiful and loved and a precious Daughter of the Father.  Your mission is to bring others to Him through your gifts.

GET LOST IN THAT MISSION.

When you let this love and mission consume you, you’re focused on Him and the souls of others.  You are doing what He wants you do, and the heck with everything else.  And, lemme tell ya, it is wildly attractive and captivating to see a young woman lost in the mission of Christ.  It drew Thomas to me faster than a fat kit to funnel cake.  But did I notice it right away?  NO, because I was lost in the mission of CYE and serving the mission of the Glory conference.  What is your mission?  How do you get lost in it?  How does it help you to become more fully you?  The best version of yourself?  You do such a great job growing spiritually and learning more about the Faith.  Keep it up!  Stay joyful!  Pray!  Save souls!   =D  I love you!  *Keep people close who are truly mission minded and want to win souls!*

Good books to read:

3 to get married- Sheen (also watch his youtube vids about relationships/marriage)

Christ is passing by- Escriva

Heaven’s Song- West

The Temperament God Gave you (and re-read ever 6-12months if you’re in a relationship)

The 5 love languages (blarg- but Mother gave it to me.)

Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti- Bill & Pam Farrel.  (Just finished it.  Good.  But not Catholic.  Beware). 

Consoling thoughts on struggles in the interior life- St. Francis de Sales

Homily on Ephesians 5 by St. John Chrysostom.

Videos:

Romancewithout Regret, the Humanum Series (5-6 parts on youtube), the Beloved Series.

GET A KING SIZED BED! 

Don’t worry about the headboard, etc., just the frame, mattress, and box springs.  It’ll be around $900-1,000.

 Start saving as soon as you are engaged!

Things I wish single women knew about married life:

-It’s hard work.  You have to keep working.

-It gives you a good purpose (wife & mother), but does not define (child of God) you.

-If you are a slob now, you better change that soon, before you even meet your spouse.  Do it for yourself.  Be disciplined.

-It sucks learning the other family’s culture and trying to fit in.  I’m sure it goes away at some point.

-It’s not “better” than being single.  There are triumphs and struggles about each status.

-Sharing a bed after having it to yourself for 33 years takes an adjustment of approximately 3 months.

-The thing that you love most about your boyfriend/fiancée will really get under your skin after he becomes your husband.

-Families who are close will have difficulty with transition.

-Your husband will never satisfy you or fulfill you the way God can (unless you become a nun, and, even then, you’ll have bad days). 

-There will come a time when you stop trying to impress one another, but you need to fight that. 

-Your husband is supposed to get you to Heaven, and he will do that in the best and most exasperating ways possible.

-If you think you’ll have a perfect life because you’re married, you’re gonna be disappointed.

-The “3 Ds of the Devil” are despair, discouragement, and despondency.  Marriage adds a fourth: disillusionment.

-It is a constant battle with the powers of Hell.  The more you fight for your husband, the less you’ll fight with your husband.

-The moments of joy, peace, and intimacy with your husband that are really strong will be helpful during rough times.

-You get to marry your best friend.  It’s pretty awesome.

-You are going to feel like quitting.  NEVER GIVE UP.  It’s ok to feel that way, but like any temptation, it’s how you react that counts.

-Compare and despair.

-You are now a living Sign of Christ’s love for the Church.  You better act like it. 

- Receive the Sacraments and pray often to prepare for the awesome gift God has in store for you. Be RECEPTIVE!

That's all I got for now, gals.  More soon!