Destroyer of Heresies

Want to know an instant cure for melancholy?

Confession.

Specifically, Confession with Fr. Luke Strand.

I must admit, one of my last posts was a trifle weepy.  I’d like to justify it by saying that life is just puking on me right now.  But, that’s really not half the story.

There’s all this rubbish that’s deciding to surface itself from my childhood.

And before you run, pell-mell, screaming in the opposite direction, hear me out.  We all have our own childhood traumas, and we get over them (or not), and some of us are better at hiding them than others.  However, some things have been sticking with me lately that I just can’t seem to get over.

Until now.

For the past few months, I’ve just felt really angry about the way I was brought up in the Faith.  This is mixed with disappointment I have towards my parents, and the irrational fear that I’ll be the same way interacting with my spouse and raising my kids.

Excuse me whilst I go laugh to death.  I can’t believe how irrational I am sometimes.  Irrational or not, the fear is still there.

Anyways.  It’s been festering for a while now.

Let’s explicate.

My Primary Fault is pride, and when my pride is hurt, I get angry.  And when I get angry, I sin- swearing, arrogance, selfishness, etc., heap on some more pride, etc.

But this anger was different.

I felt very justified in this anger.  Like it was righteous and completely founded.

But instead of letting it fly in and out of my heart, I let it schplock down right in the middle to fester.

A bit more.

If there was a condition for being addicted to anger, I think I’ve had it.

I’ve calmed down a whole heck of a lot since my pre-conversion days, but, like any addiction, it never fully goes away.

When I’m angry, there’s this little flame that glows in the pit of my stomach.  And, if given half a snowball’s change, it’ll erupt into fiery wall of death.  Gastrointestinal problems aside, it makes me feel invincible.  (I’d really like to study the science behind anger.  What the frick is my body doing to itself when I’m pissed?  I’m sure some endorphins are released somewhere, or whatever.)  Anyways.  I feel invincible (really similar to how I feel whilst listening to rap (LMAO) (even Christian rap) or Rammstein).  I’m powerful.  I’m in control.  No joke, my vocabulary skyrockets because I need to win arguments.  And be in control.  And be right.

And, the truth is, I was so far out of control at that point that I didn’t even realize it.  I just wanted to feel powerful.

I loved being angry.  It fueled a lot of the things that I did.  It helped fuel my writing.  It made me speak better, haughtier, and faster so people had a difficult time keeping up.   It made me ignore injury and exhaustion (or play off those things), and it made me win.  I find this hilarious now, because I’ve developed some sort of stutter and have a difficult time preparing an answer to a “deep question.”  And it gets in the way of wanting to answer immediately, intelligently, and correctly.  Ah, humility.

That’s what my addiction was- to the feeling of sheer invincibility- and I could have it any time I wanted.  I just had to choose to be angry about something and choose to stay angry about it. 

Most of the time, anger (well, remaining angry) is an act of the will.  Much like any other emotion, it’s what we do with it that counts.  We can choose to be joyful or fuming.  But which will make us (and others) more holy?  What will help get others to heaven?

Duh.  No-brainer.

But, it’s so difficult.  We’re all addicted to something that’s no good for us.

I think I’ve come a long way since the pre-conversion era in my life.  In figuring out that I’m a melancholic/choleric, I’ve found that it’s ok to be that way.  It’s better than ok; it’s how God created me to be.  To be sanctified and sanctifying for others by being the way that I am is difficult.  It’s also a struggle because I desire to be a true reflection of God, and it feels impossible to do, especially when I’m angry.

But Satan is a catchy tune in disguise, and the melody of this one is familiar and comforting.  ( I think I’m noticing a theme surface on this blog.)  Anyways.  I can’t be comforted like that anymore- it makes no sense.  This is also why I can’t and won’t listen to half the music I (used to) like.  I’m not invincible, and I shouldn’t do things that make me feel that way.  Well, besides shoot guns.  Heh.

Anyways.  The point.  The point is confusing.  This anger that I’ve been dealing with, and Thanksgiving is here and Christmas is around the corner, and all this poppycock that is going on… in the midst of all of this, I’ve realized how much of an ungrateful wretch I am.  I’m never grateful enough.  I’m selfish and self-seeking.  I’ve known this for a while, and I’ve been working on it by saying “thank you” and showing gratitude more.  But it’s not enough. 

I mean, seriously.  I’m in relatively good health.  I have a job and a car and I can practice my faith freely (for now). 

Thank God for that.

Fr. Jim (at MBS in Oshkosh) said something astounding during his homily yesterday.  He said that too often, we become so enraptured by and thankful for the created that we forget the Creator.

KAPOOYAH.  Aquinas would have my head.

There’s so much beauty in my life right now.  I’m just overwhelmed sometimes.  It’s bizarre because I’ve never been so emotional about beauty before this (specifically, before Catholicfest.  I blame Bryce Evans).  But, I get so lost in the beauty of the thing that I forget about Beauty Himself.

When I was a Missionary Intern, we learned a lot about our primary fault.  But we were also given a virtue to learn about and cultivate.  Mine was temperance.

Bahahahahah.  I found this all very fitting: temperance.  What do you do when you temper steel to make a sword?  You beat the hell out of it.  You beat the impurities away.  I feel like I’ve written about this before, but I don’t care.  So, we discussed how each of the seven capital sins is borne from a primary fault.

Sensuality: lust, sloth, & gluttony.

Vanity: covetousness & envy

Pride: pride and anger.

Sr. had us fill out a little survey to figure out our primary fault.  My score?

Sensuality: 3

Vanity: 1

Pride:  12.  A FREAKIN 12.   Out of 16.

Welp.  There’s yur problem.  That’ll just about do it.

So, who can help.

Enter the Blessed Virgin.  I love her so much.  My beautiful Mother.  She is the embodiment of the direct opposition to my primary fault.  She is humility.  Her humility defeated Satan.

Guess who taught Jesus how to be humble.  His Mother (and Foster Father).

MIND BLOWN.

Sometimes I forget that Jesus had to be formed.  He wasn’t just born into the world knowing everything:

From the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

Christ's soul and his human knowledge

471 Apollinarius of Laodicaea asserted that in Christ the divine Word had replaced the soul or spirit. Against this error the Church confessed that the eternal Son also assumed a rational, human soul.¹⁰⁰

472 This human soul that the Son of God assumed is endowed with a true human knowledge. As such, this knowledge could not in itself be unlimited: it was exercised in the historical conditions of his existence in space and time. This is why the Son of God could, when he became man, "increase in wisdom and in stature, and in favor with God and man",¹⁰¹ and would even have to inquire for himself about what one in the human condition can learn only from experience.¹⁰² This corresponded to the reality of his voluntary emptying of himself, taking "the form of a slave".¹⁰³

473 But at the same time, this truly human knowledge of God's Son expressed the divine life of his person.¹⁰⁴ "The human nature of God's Son, not by itself but by its union with the Word, knew and showed forth in itself everything that pertains to God."¹⁰⁵ Such is first of all the case with the intimate and immediate knowledge that the Son of God made man has of his Father.¹⁰⁶ The Son in his human knowledge also showed the divine penetration he had into the secret thoughts of human hearts.¹⁰⁷

474 By its union to the divine wisdom in the person of the Word incarnate, Christ enjoyed in his human knowledge the fullness of understanding of the eternal plans he had come to reveal.¹⁰⁸ What he admitted to not knowing in this area, he elsewhere declared himself not sent to reveal.¹⁰⁹

100 Cf. Damasus 1: DS 149.
101 Lk 2:52.
102 Cf. Mk 6 38; 8 27; Jn 11:34; etc.
103 Phil 2:7.
104 Cf. St. Gregory the Great, "Sicut aqua" ad Eulogium, Epist. Lib. 10, 39 PL 77, 1097A ff.; DS 475.
105 St. Maximus the Confessor, Qu. et dub. 66: PG 90, 840A.
106 Cf. Mk 14:36; Mt 11:27; Jn 1:18; 8:55; etc.
107 Cf. Mk 2:8; Jn 2 25; 6:61; etc.
108 Cf. Mk 8:31; 9:31; 10:33-34; 14:18-20, 26-30.
109 Cf. Mk 13:32, Acts 1:7.

Who taught Jesus how to wash feet?  His parents.

So, I submit for you now, my four favorite representations of the Blesed mother, and my all time favorite of the Holy Family.

The first is “The Annunciation” by Henry Ossawa Tanner.  I saw it up at Holy Family retreat house on Chambers Island during many of my college age work retreats.  Loved it instantly.  The simplicity and contrast are what get me.

Next, Mary, Mother of the Unborn. This representation isn’t a full-version of the painting, and I don’t know what the painting is called.  Anyways.  I found it in the gift shop of the Basilica of the Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, on my first March for Life pilgrimage back in the day. I just LOVE the blue in this.  I love the stars in the window.  I love how young Mary looks.  I love that her womb is glowing.  This one has a special place in my heart.

Third: L’Innocence by Bouguereau.  I just love it.  Love it to death.  A Baby and a lamb.   Guess who taught Jesus how to hold the sheep in His arms?  MARY.

 

Lastly.  “Madonna and Child” by Carlo Maratta.  This is only a cropped version.  I found this holy card in Cathedral Book and Gift when I went to see George Weigel.  I immediately bought four of them.  This is my favorite of Jesus and Mary.  Why?  BECAUSE OF HIS FAT, LITTLE, BABY HEAD.  I just want to pet it.  Over and over and over and over.  And kiss it, and nuzzle it!  And breathe in His precious little Baby smell!

This.  This beauty is my favorite representation of the Holy Family.  It’s by Timothy P. Schmalz.  I saw it once on our road trip down to EWTN, and loved it instantly.  I love that St. Joseph is holding/protecting his Wife and Son.  So beautifully masculine.  I was in Goodwill with Corrie one day, and she randomly found it.  She’s always looking for Catholic Art, and she picked it up.  I just about FREAKED out when I came round the corner and saw what she was holding.  I paid five bucks for this, and it’s now  a book end on my shelf opposite another Schmaltz sculpture entitled “Maternal Bond.”

 Mama, please keep me under your mantle.  Help me be humble.  Help me look to you when I cross the threshold of my addiction.  Hold my hand and lead me.

My favorite titles for Our Lady:

Theotokos  (Christ Bearer.  Love me some Greek!)

Stella Maris  (Star of the Sea.  Love me some Latin!)

Seat of Wisdom (Aquinas dedicated the Summa to Her)

Our Lady of Victory (October 7^th has a special place in my heart).

Undoer of Knots

DESTROYER OF HERESIES.  (I just found this today!)

I love her I love her I  love her.  I love her silence and strength.  I love her perfection, her littleness.  How she leads me to Jesus.  How she gets me.  I love her.  And I love her Most Chaste Spouse and the way he Loves her.

Read The Mystery ofSt. Joseph by Fr. Marie-Dominique Phillipe if you want to fall in love with the Holy Spouse of the Blessed Virigin.

Mary, My Mother, Personification of Humility, pray for me.