50%

So, in light of some pretty recent events, I'd like to reflect upon the fact that I am a poster child for the divorce rate in this country.

How's that for a hook?

What brought on this epiphany?  Well, I'll tell ya: my future spouse.  I'm convicted that he's found me.  And we're currently pursuing courtship with one another and actively discerning the vocation of marriage together.

Boom goes the dynamite.

I'd rather not go into any details, but I'll say this much: it is fraught with the Holy Spirit in a lot of weird, "we're-twins-but-not-quite-so-we-complement-one-another-quite-well" kinda ways.

I know what you're thinking, sitting there in your pajamas, sipping on your hazelnut macchiato from Starbucks and eating your hormone-free, organically grown, not tested on widdle bunny wabbits granola.  You're all like, "yeah, everybody feels that way.  You're still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship  It's still new and exciting.  Wait until reality catches up with you.  Because, you know, the divorce rate is 50% and growing."

I know the divorce rate.  I've lived the divorce rate.  Example: my mom has 4 other siblings (5 kids in her family total).  2 siblings are married, one remained single, and 2 (one of which is my mother) are divorced.  On the other side of my family, it's just my dad and uncle, and my dad is divorced.

You don't have to tell me the damn divorce rate, I've experienced it up close.

So, to quote Adam Savage, famous Mythbuster, pyro, and geek extraordinaire:

"I reject your reality and substitute my own!"

And, quite fitting, St. Augustine:

"The hell with this!  Enough of these empty mad things!  Only the quest for Truth matters now."

So to hell with the divorce rate.  I know that it might be a nice cold bucket of water to bring me down from the clouds, but the hell with that, too:

Pone me ut signáculum super cor tuum, ut signáculum super bráchium tuum quia fortís est us mors diléctio, dura sicut inférnus æmulátio: lámpades ejus, lámpades ignis, atque flamárum.  Aquæ multæ non potuérunt exstínguere caritatém, nec flúmina obruent ilam.

Translation (from the epistle reading a Latin Mass on the feast of St. Mary Magdalene):

Put me as a seal up on they heart, as a seal upon thine arm; for love is strong as death, jealousy is hard as hell; the lamps thereof are lamps of fire and flames.  Many waters cannot quench charity, neither can the floods drown it.  Song of Songs 8:6-7

As Aquinas says, to love is to will what is best for the other.  The main difference between this and any other romantic relationship that I've ever had is that I sincerely desire Heaven for his soul, and the desire is reciprocated, which is why it is easy to trust, communicate, to be led, and, most importantly, to be obedient.

KABOOM.

Never thought I'd say or feel that in my life.  Why, just the other day, he and I were talking about how hard it is for women to accept the fact that it is a good thing to be submissive to a good and virtuous man.  This is where most women get riled up and hate Ephesians 5 because there are whack-jobs out there who think "submissive" is analogous to "doormat" or "punching bag" or "rape victim" because "he's the man" and "she's the woman."

And, lemme freaking tell ya:  IT'S NOT ANALOGOUS TO THOSE THINGS.  That is a lie straight from the bowels of hell if there ever was one.  Treating a woman like a "thing" instead of a person is scandalously contradictory to her dignity as a human being.  Justifying it because of "gender roles" is even more scandalous.  A good and virtuous man would never treat a woman like that.

Let's check the etymology, shall we?

Submission actually means "under the mission" of someone else.  And take a look at the rest of that Scripture verse.  All I have to do is submit to my husband, whose mission it is to get me to heaven.  In the meantime, he has to die trying to get me there (metaphorically, but still).  He has to die to self.  A LOT.  That's his main mission in getting me to Heaven.  And if all I have to do is be submissive (die to myself trusting that he's going to get us to Heaven) to help get him to Heaven, then I can freaking be submissive.  I don't think that I'm the one who came up with the short end of the stick here.  In fact, there is no short end of the stick.  There's just a lot of sacrifice.  A lot.  And it's tiring.  And it sucks.  And it doesn't stop.  But it's totally worth it.

Think of the people you have submitted to in your life: family, teachers, authority figures, bosses.  You willingly (or not so willingly) submitted because you knew the mission.  Your parents were trying to raise you right (and hopefully get you to heaven), your teachers attempted to educate you with some semblance of order.  Authority figures try to uphold the common good.  And your employer holds you up to certain standards at work.

All of these things are noble and good, but why is it that we balk when it comes to the real mission of husband and wife?  Why do we shy away from it?

Because we're not willing to wait for someone who takes us seriously enough, or who is spiritually mature, or is a good friend first, or who wants to get us to heaven.

Because we don't take our faith seriously (if at all anymore) enough to get ourselves closer to Christ, let alone someone else.  We sip on our lattes in the worship space or fling a buck in the collection plate, but we're not dedicated to a 24/7, personal relationship with Jesus Christ that takes discipline, dedication, devotion, and prayer.  We don't want lifelong commitment with Christ, the Author of Love, Love Himself, so why would we even try that much with anyone else?

Yeah, so now the divorce rate in the country is up to 50%.  Or is it?  Well, it's at least 50% in my family.  WHOOPIDEEFREAKINGDOO.  Marriages are not fairy tales.  They aren't easy.  Love is hard work.  They are hard work because they are sanctifying.  And what does sanctification mean?  It means "to make holy"!  And what are we being made holy for? Heaven!

But we don't want Heaven.  We want now.  We want cars and ipads and clothes and orgasms and money and food and beauty and youth and everything we can throw into this God-shaped hole in our hearts that nothing (not even my future spouse or children) can satisfy.

Since going to Latin Mass, I've encountered nothing but solid, awesome, devout, and huge families.  Most of them have 6 or 7 kids under the age of 10!  And it's amazing!  And they all behave well at Mass!  It's so cool.  I really wanna spend more time with these families and learn all I can during this time of discernment.  And that's what the time of discernment is all about.  It's not whether we're going to have the best reception or if I have the prettiest dress, or we rake in 6-figure salaries, or have perfect DIY projects displayed all over the place in our home.  It's about gettin one another and our kids to Heaven. (Among other things, heh).

So now, for your very much wish fulfillment, I'm going to present you (yay!  i love lists!) with

Miss Jen's top 21 ways to divorce-proof your relationship (even beofre you're engaged!).*

*Disclaimer: I'm just going to assume that you're Catholic.  If you're not, come home.  We miss you.  

1) Discern the Sacrament Seriously:  We have a goal in mind; we know where we're going.  Each of us desires to be a part of the sacrament to better reflect the love that Christ has for his Bride, the Church, and to get the other to Heaven.  Spend time with solid married couples who have a good relationship with Jesus, one another, and with their children.  Spend time with your beloved around lots of kids, different people, and different situations.

2) Sanctify the Hell Outta One Another: All those little annoying things that I can't stand and can't control?  Yeah, they make me holy because I can't and shouldn't control them.  Once I start looking at those things as opportunities for holiness, the annoyance fades and I keep a steady foot on the path to sainthood.

3) TAKE SAINTHOOD SERIOUSLY: This isn't some severe, self-righteous, arrogant piety.  Nor is it some shallow-pollyannish optimism.  Do you wanna go to Heaven?  Do you really?  Then start acting like it.  Strive for sainthood.

4) PRAY.  Pray together and attend Mass together as often as possible.  Foster relationships with the saints who pick on you as a couple.  Call on your patrons.  Discover patrons of your relationship and follow their example.  (There are saints who were married!  Gasp!!).

5) Learn More about the Faith Together:  You'll quickly learn where each of you falls short in knowledge or practice of the Faith, and you can use the opportunity to build each other up.  You are a team, after all, headed for the ultimate goal.

6) Maintain Your Relationship with Christ: grow closer to Christ as a couple, but remain close to Jesus in your personal relationship with Him.  When things can take a turn and struggles come up in the relationship, relying on your  personal relationship with Christ is going to help get you through.

7)  Guard Your Heart, Purity, & Chastity: Do you know what the divorce rate is for couples who hopped in the sack before making their lifelong commitment?  I have no idea what it is, but I'm just going to assume that it isn't all that great.  Go look it up.  What about couples who shack up before they get married?  Yeah, no good.  There's also such at thing as purity and chastity within marriage.  The more we practice it outside of the life-long commitment, the more prepared we'll be to practice it within that commitment.  Yay!  More death to self!  It'll ultimately help me avoid objectifying my spouse and our sexuality.  HUZZAH FOR NFP!!!

8) Will What is Best for the Other: without nagging, guilting, yelling, withholding, or doing anything else to drag your beloved down.  "Let your love be sincere."

9) Marriage is Supposed to be Free, Total, Faithful, and Fruitful:  and so is the gift of sexuality between husband and wife.  When a couple contracepts, they are lying to one another.  They're engaged in an act that's supposed to nonverbally communicate: "I give all of myself to you: completely, vulnerably, and in a way that's somewhat beyond my control (creating life)."  When they're contracepting, there is a barrier (physical and or emotional) that says, "I give you most of me, but I'm withholding my fertility out of fear that I can't control everything."  There are few things that shoot a relationship in the foot faster than contraception.  It completely emasculates the man who was designed to initiate, protect, provide, and take risks, and it dehumanizes the woman into nothing more than a pleasure machine void of creating and carrying life.  And that is the very thing that sets her apart and gives her a special and precious identity that is similar to the Creator.  But do we realize that when we contracept?  No.  We want orgasms instead of offspring.  I'll not go into the fact that the pill is a class 1 carcinogen, linked to breast cancer, and causes death.  Non-marital sex can never been free, total, and faithful, because it's not backed up by a life-long commitment to the other.

10) Let Him Lead (big H and little h): I gotta let him lead.  I gotta let him do it.  I can't do it, or it will be a disaster.  By letting him lead, I learn to trust because I see his leadership in action and I know that he has my best interest in mind.  This, in turn, makes room for my heart to be submissive to him because he loves me.  Because I know he wills what is best for me.  He loves me in my brokenness, and he won't take advantage of it.  He's not perfect, but he tries hard.  If he fails, he gets back up and keeps leading.  And that's why I follow.  Also, it's easier to follow him if I'm being obedient to Him.  Having solid spiritual formation has really helped me to understand the absolute resplendence of obedience.  Obedience is a very good thing.

11) Asking Forgiveness:  "Being in love means never having to say 'I'm sorry'."  What utter bullpucky.  Trite, Hollywood nonsense.  This is the epitome of selfishness.  Get the hell over your pride and ask for forgiveness.  Go to confession regularly.

12) Don't Withhold: Don't withhold things, espeically love, attention, or affection.  If you catch yourself doing it, apologize and ask for forgiveness.  Don't keep score.  Just give and give and give and give and give.

13) Build up, Don't Tear Down:  Disrespecting your beloved is one of the most hurtful things that you can do.  Disrespect (especially for a man) gnaws at the soul and discourages.  It is no good.

14) Overcommunicate:  If you can't communicate or overcommunicate comfortably, or non-verbally communicate, with someone, you shouldn't marry them.  Period.  Kthxbai.  Also, tell the Truth.  Always.  Even if it hurts (don't tell it in an uncharitable way).  Truth is best, no matter what, because He sets us free.

15)  The Big Stuff:  discuss it WAY before it happens.  Talk about problems preemptively, and understand how each of you would try to handle certain situations.  If you wanna live in a tri-level in the Chicago burbs with a picket fence and 3 dogs, but he wants to live in a shack in backwoods Missouri, you best discuss it before picking your bridesmaids.

16) READ: read the same books and discuss them.  Because, seriously, who doesn't need to read more books?

17) Integrity: have some.  Pursue your relationship with integrity.  Stick to your goals (marriage, heaven), and boundaries, but soak in everything you can from solid Catholic families who are like-minded and willing to advise you.

18) PRAY: intensely for one another, for your vocation, and for your future children.

19) Be Not Afraid: Be brave.  Be courageous (both of you, not just him).  Ask the Holy Spirit for the Gift of Fortitude.  You're gonna need it.  Chances are, if you're striving for sainthood in this relationship, Satan's gonna be pissed.  Be ready to face the wrath.  Be ready to engage in spiritual battle.  Discern and call out Satan as a problem when you identify him.  Cast him out in the name of Jesus Christ (Catholics can do that?!  YES WE CAN.  We're Baptized!).

20) Prudence:  have some.  Be aware of what you do in public together: how you act, what you say, what you share, and how it influences others.  Does it lead others to heaven?  Does it lead others to have a better understanding of how Christ loves His Church?  Or does it only live up to chick-flick standards?

21)  PRAY MORE.  Pray with each other.  Pray with your relatives.  Pray with children to learn how to pray.  Pray with your priests and religious.  Pray during Consecration.  Offer Masses, rosaries, sufferings, joys, sorrows, successes, failures, everything.  Petition nuns to pray for you.  Ask everyone to pray for you.

So I think that's about it for now.  If I think (or he thinks) of anything more, I'll add it.

I am not a statistic.  I'm a daughter of God.  And the only way my marriage will last is if it's firmly planted in Him.

And it already is.

"At last.  At last.  Oh, what wonder: to gaze into eyes made to gaze into mine.  Oh what awe: this rib of my side, I'm fully alive.  Life of my love; love of my life."

What kind of man would send a song like this to me?  The one I've been waiting for.

"Jenny, do not settle for anything less than what you deserve. NEVER settle for a man who is not willing to live out the Gospel of Truth with you."
-Christopher West (responding to a prayer request for my future spouse)

St. Rita, St. Joan of Arc, and St. Thomas Aquinas, pray for us.