They sparkle still the right Promethean fire;
They are the books, the arts, the academes,
That show, contain and nourish all the world.”
-Love's Labour's Lost VI, iii
I was recently able to attend my favorite Shakespearean comedy, Love's Labour's Lost, in Door County. While it was no match for my favorite interpretation (a 1940s era musical directed by Kenneth Brannaugh), it was absolutely hysterical. There's just something magically romantic about seeing a play in a flower garden surrounded by strings of tiny twinkling lights that sway in the gentle breeze of a summer's eve. Macbeth will be this Saturday. I love the juxtaposition of the two: one exemplifies authentic femininity and masculinity (well, close enough), and the other supposes complete role reversal. This stuff totally whips me into a literary frenzy. However, even though it doesn't interest me as much as it used to, I still find it fascinating to explicate on occasion. Also, it seems to be the perfect backsplash for today's post. I came across the following quote today when I happened to pluck this book off my shelf.
"It's my job, as a woman, to inspire men to be noble, brave, honorable, and to protect and defend the loveliness and beauty of every woman."
I've never really been one to keep up with 'daily devotionals' (unless you count the Divine Office), but I love the Everts and Theology of the Body in general.-Camille De Blasi
So anyways, this quote jabbed at a sore spot that I've had for quite some time: How am I supposed to inspire men to be noble and chivalrous, to defend me and other women, without nagging them or telling them what to do outright? If I've learned anything about men whilst serving on CYE, three things are certain:
1. Men love mystery. 2. Men love a challenge. 3. Men's brains are like waffles.
The wound of woman runs deep. She believes the lie that she is not inspiring enough to defend. Now, I'll be the first to admit, I'm not the bombshell that society demands of me. Actually, there are only about 3 days a month that I feel or look like a million bucks, regardless of my age, weight, acne, and failures (yay, NFP!). But, to hell with that nonsense. As Merton says, "Pride is born of comparison." And, as Michael Wegenka says, "Compare and despair." Words to live by, for sure.
Regardless, the wound still runs deep. The question that pops up again and again is: "Do I inspire? Am I captivating? Am I worth fighting for?" Barring the details of my interesting past, the answer I most often receive is "No" (which is a lie) because of the way some men choose to act around me. Fortunately, I've been blessed with a really good and holy group of Catholic friends who care about getting me to Heaven, and vice versa. Within this circle, my question is often answered with a hearty "yes": doors are held open, men offer their chairs to ladies, swearing is extinct, and honor is in full view. It's tough for me to step outside of that circle, because, almost immediately, my questions will be answered in the resoundingly negative.
Honestly, it's so frustrating these days to deal with young men who are byproducts of a society with a contraceptive mentality. They have absolutely no clue how to treat a woman properly, and today's women just sit back and accept it in defeated mediocrity, or they trample over it like power-starved, bra-burning Nazis (and I can say that, because I used to be one).
I'm straying from the point here. How do I challenge a man to defend me without sounding like a complete and utter troglodyte?
First of all, and most importantly, I have to be detached to the fact that I will most likely be labeled a slew of titles from those who have never had their masculinity challenged in a healthy way. Most of the time, my ears ring with the sound of "bitch," "prude," "uptight," "delusional," the list could go on forever. Unfortunately, it can also come from those batting on my team, too. All too often, I'm told that I'm a "perfectionist," or that my "expectations are too high." Bullpucky. Today's young men don't know how to answer a challenge, and there's nothing out of line for me to expect them to man-up, which brings me to the next point.
How do I challenge without nagging? I can't nag, it's no good. I have to present a challenge in simple, straightforward, and firm way. For example, there are certain things that I will or will not allow a man to say around me. I was at a party this past summer where I knew no one but the hosts and one of my other good Catholic guy friends. As I sat next to my friend by the bonfire (mostly because I know he's a good and honorable man, and I could relax by him), I was conversing with another guy I'd just met. I mentioned that I'm a photographer, to which the young man replied: "Oh, what do you photograph? I mean, besides hardcore porn," he chuckled. My cheeks burned. I wanted to punch him in the face. I wanted my friend to get up and punch him in the face for speaking to me in such a way. Thank God it was dark outside. I was also relieved to have my friend sitting next to me, because I don't think I would have been able to say anything if he hadn't been there.
I was exasperated. Instead of flying off the handle, however, I replied with "Please don't speak like that in front of me." And then went into an explanation of how Ireland made me love landscape photography.
That was it. Short. Simple. Direct. Firm. DONE. Now he knows not to do that again.
Men don't play games, and they don't particularly read between the lines, either (which is why I prefer their company most of the time). Men are simple ("simple" ≠ "stupid") creatures, which is why they're baffled when it comes to women. Here's where the waffles come in. I need to do something to call out the warrior in a man so he can associate me with it and put that in the "Jenny" box in his brain.
How do I do this? That's where the mystery comes in. I (women) need to be something worth fighting for, wether he's my best guy friend or my future spouse, or someone I just met who knows nothing about me.
"A man will be as much of a gentleman as we ladies require." -Crystalena EvertMen love work. They love a challenge. They absolutely love (in their own way) a chance to exhibit their prowess. Some of them have no idea what to do with a challenge because they've never been taught how to respond properly, or they've forgotten, or they never had a good man around to teach them how. It's easier to build-up a boy than to fix a broken man.
Either way, ladies, the challenge and fight have a lot to do with mystery. Men are intrigued by mystery. They're curious; they want to know and have a deep desire to fix, protect, and defend. The center of my person- my soul- is mysterious. No one will ever know everything about me but God. My future husband will come very close, but every-day acquaintances will know next to nothing. How do I protect this mystery?
Modesty.
From the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
2520 Baptism confers on its recipient the grace of purification from all sins. But the baptized must continue to struggle against concupiscence of the flesh and disordered desires. With God's grace he will prevail
- by the virtue and gift of chastity, for chastity lets us love with upright and undivided heart;
- by purity of intention which consists in seeking the true end of man: with simplicity of vision, the baptized person seeks to find and to fulfill God's will in everything;313
- by purity of vision, external and internal; by discipline of feelings and imagination; by refusing all complicity in impure thoughts that incline us to turn aside from the path of God's commandments: "Appearance arouses yearning in fools";314
- by prayer:
- I thought that continence arose from one's own powers, which I did not recognize in myself. I was foolish enough not to know . . . that no one can be continent unless you grant it. For you would surely have granted it if my inner groaning had reached your ears and I with firm faith had cast my cares on you.315
2521 Purity requires modesty, an integral part of temperance. Modesty protects the intimate center of the person. It means refusing to unveil what should remain hidden. It is ordered to chastity to whose sensitivity it bears witness. It guides how one looks at others and behaves toward them in conformity with the dignity of persons and their solidarity.
2522 Modesty protects the mystery of persons and their love. It encourages patience and moderation in loving relationships; it requires that the conditions for the definitive giving and commitment of man and woman to one another be fulfilled. Modesty is decency. It inspires one's choice of clothing. It keeps silence or reserve where there is evident risk of unhealthy curiosity. It is discreet.
2523 There is a modesty of the feelings as well as of the body. It protests, for example, against the voyeuristic explorations of the human body in certain advertisements, or against the solicitations of certain media that go too far in the exhibition of intimate things. Modesty inspires a way of life which makes it possible to resist the allurements of fashion and the pressures of prevailing ideologies.
2524 The forms taken by modesty vary from one culture to another. Everywhere, however, modesty exists as an intuition of the spiritual dignity proper to man. It is born with the awakening consciousness of being a subject. Teaching modesty to children and adolescents means awakening in them respect for the human person.
2525 Christian purity requires a purification of the social climate. It requires of the communications media that their presentations show concern for respect and restraint. Purity of heart brings freedom from widespread eroticism and avoids entertainment inclined to voyeurism and illusion.
2526 So called moral permissiveness rests on an erroneous conception of human freedom; the necessary precondition for the development of true freedom is to let oneself be educated in the moral law. Those in charge of education can reasonably be expected to give young people instruction respectful of the truth, the qualities of the heart, and the moral and spiritual dignity of man.
2527 "The Good News of Christ continually renews the life and culture of fallen man; it combats and removes the error and evil which flow from the ever-present attraction of sin. It never ceases to purify and elevate the morality of peoples. It takes the spiritual qualities and endowments of every age and nation, and with supernatural riches it causes them to blossom, as it were, from within; it fortifies, completes, and restores them in Christ."316
2528 "Everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Mt 5:28).
2531 Purity of heart will enable us to see God: it enables us even now to see things according to God.
2532 Purification of the heart demands prayer, the practice of chastity, purity of intention and of vision.
2533 Purity of heart requires the modesty which is patience, decency, and discretion. Modesty protects the intimate center of the person.Modesty draws out the warrior in a man. Why? Because it sends an unspoken message to him that I know that I'm worth waiting to see. I'm worth defending. I'm precious. I won't share myself with those who are unworthy. Suddenly, he's intrigued by the why behind the what. What is it that makes her the way she is? Why is she that way? That's the mystery. Simply by the way I dress and hold myself, and later, speak, I challenge a man to decide for himself if he wants to step-up. I continue afterword by tolerating or not tolerating certain things. It's very difficult to do, but, then again, holiness isn't easy. There's a reason we're called the Church Militant.
The lie to the woman is that she's not good enough by herself, so she constantly seeks the opportunity to prove herself in a very different way than man does. My face isn't pretty enough, better show off something else that will draw attention. Our sanctification and inspiration lies not in holding the quick-fix attention of today's guys, but, rather, in giving men the opportunity to be our heroes. How do we do this? By being humble enough to ask for assistance or challenge their masculinity with detachment. It has to be a request that is genuine and sincere (please always helps), not a demand or a nagging whine that holds things over his head. Oh, there's a box that I know I can lift by myself, but he's standing there not doing anything? "Hey, this box is really heavy, could you please carry it for me?" Oh, you're walking into a building shoulder to shoulder? Slow down a little and fall a few steps behind him, and BAM, he's opening the door for you.
Women were created to be helpers, and the best way we can help men is by letting them be the man! We help them by challenging them to be authentically masculine in a charitable way. We can't set out to "fix" a man, only Christ can fix each of us, but women can be clear about behavioral expectations and correct our brothers gently and firmly. Men are created to be warriors, protectors, and providers. Many of the warriors lie dormant because society tells them that they don't have to fight. Ladies, it's time we call them out to run screaming into battle.
11 ways a gentleman should behave toward a lady
A list compiled over the years via my brothers (biological or otherwise).
1. He should never fart or belch in her presence. (Fr. Adam Bradley)
2. He should never come to her empty handed, especially if they're in a relationship. (Ryan Lowery)
3. He should always hold the door for her. (Adam Brechtel)
4. He should never use foul language in front of her. (The Brothers Kohlmann)
5. He should always pay, regardless of your relationship status. (Kris Follmer)
6. He loves his Mother. (Fr. Zach Weber)
7. No matter how cool he thinks he is, he's going to be a dork about something. (Tommy Fassbender)
8. He will defend her against scary things. (Mark Petri and Fr. Adam Laski)
9. He will challenge his companions to be gentlemen around her. (Mike Bostone)
10. He will think about her randomly when he's out and about (depending on level of friendship). (Chris Nell)
11. His strength does not diminish hers. (Fr. Quinn Mann)
No comments:
Post a Comment