Dancing with Dan Aykroyd

My dad taught me how to jitterbug and foxtrot really well when I was a sophomore in high school.  He taught me the basics when I was in 7th or 8th grade, and I've always liked it.  My love of swing music is completely the fault of these guys, and these guys, but mostly this guy.  It was insanely easy for me to follow my dad's lead when we'd dance.  Just the the feel of his hand told me where to go and taught me how to anticipate properly.  Every dance partner that I've had has never been able to communicate quite as well as my dad.  

Until now.

I'm not a touchy-feely kind of person.  I don't hug guys, I don't cuddle with my close friends (and it tends to freak me out when guys are "bromantic" with one another or girls are very physically affectionate to each other).  This isn't to say that I don't want to.  I love hugs.  I FREAKING LOVE CUDDLING.  But, for me, there are a lot of serious things attached to those actions, and I'd rather save them for people who I can trust to read that special language: my family and future husband.  This has a lot to do with where I've been, which is a place that will never be fully enunciated on this page.  There are several reasons I don't hug guys, but two are more important.  By setting up this boundary, I guard my heart, and I guard his (Proverbs 4:23).

Exhibit A: My Heart
My heart is one of the most stupid and foolish organs in my body.  If my brain is melancholic/choleric, then my heart would be the temperamental equivalent of an amalgamation of all of today's vapid, waifish, shallow, desperate chick-flick protagonists who fall smitten at the drop of a hat.  Thank God for my brain's ability to keep my heart in check.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?   -Jeremiah 17:9

My heart is wounded.  She seeks attention- any attention that she can get from any guy anywhere, and this stems from the lie that she's not being carried around by a person worthy, pretty, skinny, smart, athletic, anything enough to be considered captivating (which is why she's not married yet).  The smallest amount of attention that I receive from a man can instantly send me spiraling into a circle of smitten insanity.  IT IS RIDICULOUS.  Physical interaction has a lot to do with that, which is why I'm so closely guarded about my emotional as well as physical chastity.  One small crumb, and my brain kicks it into overdrive: "Finally!  He's chosen me!  I'm captivating!  Yay!" and on and on and on and on, and all he's probably thinking about is waffles; he could care less.  To him, hugs are just hugs.  Talking is just talking.  I love how men are that way.  Sometimes the woods are just woods.  Curse my feeble, frail, female brain for over analyzing EVERYTHING.  It's very frustrating sometimes.  I wish I could think like a guy sometimes, but that's not how I was created.  Fortunately, though, I'm an internal, intrapersonal processor.  I don't like to talk about a lot of specific things with other people, especially other women.  This blog comes relatively close to the way I "externally" process, but it's still pretty vague.  I don't go into a lot of detail.  My friends, God love them, are in the habit of "processing" things with one another.  That's all fine and good for them, but it doesn't work well for me, because it sets up fictitious things that I make up in my head about a person that might not (and probably don't) even exist.

So, I keep my heart locked in a Garden behind a very well-guarded gate, and very few people have ever been allowed to take a few steps in.  Only one person will be ever allowed to freely walk around in there, and I'll be damned if anyone messes it up anymore before he gets to it.  

He has enveloped
my heart in His Thorns.  Have the
Courage to cut through.

The best representation of Proverbs 4:23 that I've seen.

Exhibit B: His Heart
This whole not-hugging thing began my first year on CYE staff.  Peggy really helped me with it.  She helped me to see all men as brothers, and that romantic etaglement shouldn't be the first thing considered (regardless of personal attraction), and there shouldn't be romantic involvement until there is a solid friendship first.  Guys are wired very differently; they are very visual and physical, and because of this wiring, it's easier for them to go astray (Romans 14:13).  There are a LOT of seminarians on CYE staff, and I didn't want to do anything to get in the way of their vocation.  So, out of love of them and their call, I stopped hugging guys.  It always irritated me how some expeditioners would use CYE as a Catholic dating service, and how a lot of staff struggled with being attracted to members of the opposite sex.  I mean, it's bound to happen: holiness is hotness.  But, I was blessed enough to be able to avoid that distraction altogether.  I believed that it had NOTHING to do with the mission of CYE, and so, while I might have considered some of my brothers very dashing or manly, that's where it ended.  I was more concerned with their love for Jesus than their love for me.  

That's how it continues today.  A man will never know how to love and respect me properly if he doesn't, can't, or won't live for Christ first and foremost.  Praise God for Mark Petri, because he showed me how to "deflect a hug" with a handshake.  It's the best thing ever.  This immediately calls a guy out to man-up and challenges what they want, it also prevents me from leading them astray, which is what I definitely don't want to do.  It also sends an unspoken message, again, that I'm precious- all the way down to my hugs.  My hugs are worth waiting for and worth earning, even.  Because my brain can go into overdrive thinking about a man even hugging me, I don't want a man to put me in that situation.

There are two types of reactions that I get to this: respect and mockery.  It is what it is.  The men respect; the boys mock.


The pitfalls of physical geography whilst dancing:
Ballroom dancing is great when I'm in a group of people I know and we all posess the same skill level.  Put me in a social ballroom dancing situation, and I have anxiety attacks.  Why?  All of my well-guarded insecurities are laid bare:  every woman is skinnier than me, prettier than me, better than me, and they're all getting asked to dance while I've just paid $10 or more to dance 5 times in the course of 3-4 hours.  The worst thing of all is not getting asked to dance; it proves that I'm a failure as a woman, that I'm not captivating enough.  

On top of it, I suddenly have to be very close to guys I don't know, don't trust, and who don't know me.  This is vital.  In order for me to follow well, I have to trust that my leader is going to have my best interest in mind.  He knows what he's doing, he's not going to take advantage of me, and he's not going to showcase my insecurities to everyone.  Better yet, he knows my insecurities and helps me deal with them.  I very sincerely believe that dancing is a direct reflection of theology of the body.  Check this out.  And this.  

Last week, my friend, Corrie, taught us all how to do dips.  If ballroom dancing gets me outside my comfort zone, being dipped completely catapults me across the ocean away from my comfort zone.  It lays bare the biggest insecurity I have: self-image issues combined with having to trust a man to have the capability to "catch" me so I don't fall.  I've fallen a lot (metaphorically more than literally, but still.)  Fear, fear, fear.  It's all grounded in fear.  I put up a huge fight whilst learning this because I was so afraid.  (Once I finally blurted out that I was afraid, it went better.  I think both my dance partner and I responded better after that).   It has nothing to do with the leader and everything to do with me.  It helps if he's patient and reassuring, though.  There are certain dance moves that I hate doing, so I try to let the guy know ahead of time.  I hate doing them because I'm not good at them, and I'm not good at them because I don't do them.  I'd just actually prefer that the guy MAKE me do them so I get better.  One of the guys at last week's lesson kind of helped me with this when he looked straight into my eyes and said, "I will catch you!  And if I don't, I will dive under you so I can break your fall!" 

BOOM.  That's what I need.  It doesn't make the fear go away completely, but it certainly helps.  It all comes down to trust, and trust comes from knowing one another well.  

So what the hell does this have to do with my favorite ballroom dance partner?  Well, it happens to be one of my good Catholic guy friends.  I won't say his name, because it'll embarrass the hell out of him and breed drama (rolls eyes).  I'll call him Dan Aykroyd so he knows I'm talking about him.  (Dan Aykroyd "before he got fat", heh heh heh)  He could use a little confidence boosting, anyways.  

I love my friend Dan (phileo (friendship) and storge (fondness through familiarity)).  It's been such a blessing to get to know him over the course of the past year.  We have a lot in common, and I enjoy his company immensely.  So, here's an amazing list, that I thought of the other day, to illustrate why I love dancing with Dan Aykroyd the best:

1.  First, and probably most important, Dan is humble.  He knows what he's doing and he does it well, but he doesn't show off for everyone ahead of time or draw attention to himself.  He knows he's good, but others won't know it until they're dancing with him.  
2.  Next, and this is one of the things I love the most: Dan does not talk while we're dancing.  I'm still at the point where I get distracted easily, and I can't multitask yet while dancing.  I think this is more of his preference than mine, mostly because he's planning ahead, but I really appreciate it.  
3.  Dan concentrates and plans ahead.  I find this most amusing, because when I look at Dan's face while dancing, he has this far-away look in his eyes that tells me he's about 10 steps ahead (especially on the slower songs).  This allows me to be at ease because he has a plan.  Even thought I'm not aware of what it is, it's easier for me to follow because I know he's planned something and will follow through with it.  It's also great dancing to the faster tunes with him, because he kind of goes into overdrive and just acts with out thinking too far ahead (which is a good opportunity for growth for him).
4.  Dan knows me.  Well, I mean, we're not BFFs or anything, but we have very similar temperaments, and I feel like he can read me very well.  If I hesitate or mess up or start to apologize, he reassures me and keeps going.  One time, when we were dancing, I remember that I messed something up a little bit.  I took a short breath in to apologize, and before I could even say anything, he said, "It's ok.  You're fine."  It was awesome. 
5.  Dan knows that I trust him.  He's a good man and, as such, is a good leader.  I'm able to interact with him on and off the dance floor, and I know how he handles himself around other people.  He's a man of strength, integrity, and holiness.  I know that he won't take advantage of me, and he'll step up when I need him to.  Very important.
6.  Dan challenges me.  Because he knows me relatively well, I feel like he knows where my insecureties lie, and he, in his own way, calls me out on them.  He's pretty competitive, and, even if I'm not comfortable doing something, I'm still comfortable with him.  Hahahah.  One of the biggest challenges to dancing with my friend is that he hasn't a SHRED of musical talent.  I've been playing the flute since I was 9, I can sing, the list goes on.  Dan has a very difficult time finding "the one," or the downbeat in a song.  Don't get me wrong, he has rhythm, but it's just a little off.  While I'm waiting for him to start us on the downbeat, he might start us on 2, 3, or 7.  This is very discombobulating for me (being a Type-A), but it forces me to follow him, which makes me a better dancer.  It also helps me be obedient, which trains me well for my vocation.
7.  Dan is patient and perseveres.   He knows that I'm going to fight him on certain things, but he keeps going anyways.  He's very supportive and is willing to tough it out with me.  If he messes up, he brushes it off and continues.  He can judge a situation well and go with it.
8.  Dan has long, gangly arms, and he is taller than me.  This is really important because I'm really insecure about a man's arms "fitting all the way around me" at all, which is why I absolutely detest the cuddle-up move. (Here's where I roll my eyes at myself because I'm so ridiculous).  
9.  Dan is awkward.  This is probably one of my most favorite things about him.  I love being awkward, and he's a personification of awkwardness at times.  It's really a hilarious icebreaker because he's not so stoic.  He doesn't have to do things perfectly, but he wants to do them well.  He makes fun of what we're doing.  It's also very fun to look him right in the eye, because it totally messes with his head and throws him off.
10.  Dan is fun.  Because Dan embodies the previous 9 reasons why I love dancing with him, he allows me to FREAKING RELAX and just have fun.  I always have a blast with him.

Now, I have no idea if he ever thinks any of these things or makes them intentional, but this is just what I've observed from dancing with my friend.  He's the best.  You're awesome, Dan!


So.  Now you know why I don't hug guys and have a hard time dancing with people I don't know.  Totally makes sense.  Yes?  God love my future husband.  He's going to be one hell of a patient man.  Pray for him, because if he marries me, he's going to need all the prayers he can get.